New Gotham Tourist Tips and Checklist

Posted April 24, 2017 by Greta in Citizen Editorials, New Gotham's Lexicon / 0 Comments

By Mayor Elvira de Marc

Tip #1

In case of an emergency…don’t scream. Screaming is like a doorbell around here.

Tip #2
The surrounding forest is haunted. There are those of you that will ignore this warning and go for a midnight stroll anyways. Good riddance.

Tip #3
Did we not just tell you to STAY OUT of the forest? It’s cursed and we will not come rescue you. Seriously.

Tip #4
The pixies are NOT for sale!
So, STOP asking! Anyone caught trying to
smuggle a pixie in their
pocket will be cannibalized
…which reminds us…
always, always, ALWAYS ask
what kind of meat was used
to prepare any meal you enjoy
here in New Gotham.
Similarly, we don’t advise
tipping the serving staff less
than 20% percent.
The witches frown on it.

Tip #5
Those caught chattering in movie theaters or littering their cigarette butts will be shot on sight. With what? We don’t know yet. But surely, you’ve noticed we’re creative.

Tip #6
READ the “Terms and Conditions.”
There is always a price for magic. Always.

Tip #7
Don’t turn the beggar from your door. That’s how she picks her victims.

Tip #8
Don’t take candy from strangers.
That’s how the other one picks her victims.

To make sure your stay in New Gotham is as comfortable as possible, please consider packing the following items:


Bunny Slippers – Gotta have those.

Toothbrush – Very, very important.


Rusty Machete -A butcher knife works.)

Your good robe

A chipped tea cup or mug

A copy of Grimm and Hans Fairy Tales – If you don’t have the fairytales, don’t fret. We supply tourists with those tomes. They’ll be in hotel nightstands where one would normally find the Bible.

F#ck-me pumps/boots

Chocolate and any other guilty pleasures

An autograph book

Small caliber weapon and plenty of silver bullets – Where should you keep it? Between your tits. Safest place on the planet.

Fresh knickers – Count the days you’ll be staying and multiply by two. Plan for a few pairs to get ripped and/or go missing.
Scratch that. Leave the panties at home. – Bring all your dirty fantasies and some courage.

A first-aid kit and a large bottle of cheap liquor

Some mid-shelf liquor you actually plan on drinking

A piece of iron – Carry it in your pocket or wear it around your neck. No one has time to be the girl in supernatural “Taken.”

A masquerade mask, your D20 dice, and your game face.  You never know who’s coming to the ball.

Good silver stake – Not that bullshit we made in your backyard when we were kids.

Camera – Please turn off the flash. It blinds the pixies.

Rubber duck

Charger for all electronic devices—especially the e-reader

A notarized will – It should be carried in your pocket like identification papers.

 Enjoy your stay in New Gotham.

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