Disclaimer: Expect my brash brand of dark humor and curse words.
Why this happened: I blame my father for making me watch this. Neither one of us had ever seen it and tonight we ran out of decent football. SVB was playing on demand. We gave it an honest try. And just like everyone else, we spent most of the movie wondering just what in the Sam hell was going on.
Direction: I thought this movie was going to be good. It seemed like a perfectly good idea. I absolutely loved 300. When I heard that this movie was directed by the same dude, I thought I was going to get epic storytelling and crazy action scenes. The director and writers fell short on all accounts.
Plot: The movie starts out in a state of confusion. First of all, we’re at a party. Lex Luther’s party. Lex Luther is a boob. The actor who plays him decides to play one of the most respected criminal masterminds in DC Comic history as a frat-boy psychopath. He looks like he’s trying to do an impersonation or Heath Ledger’s Joker and he’s failing badly, like maybe he didn’t take enough drugs or he took the wrong ones. I don’t know. He just didn’t pull it off. He lacked conviction, like even he couldn’t understand why Lex would be crazy beyond some lame-ass random comment about being beat by his father. Yes, because all victims of child abuse turn out to be psychopaths.
As always, Superman is having an identity crisis. This time his alter-ego, Clark Kent, is using all his Daily Planet resources to go after Batman, who he thinks is a reckless endangerment to democracy. Basically, how dare Batman behave as though he’s above the law. Superman is the strongest man on earth, and he doesn’t even hold himself above the law. Except when he’s doing shit like kidnapping criminals, threatening bodily harm or otherwise engaging in law enforcement activities without a lick of approval from the governed. According to Superman, only he, the holy perfect one, is worthy of administering justice.
The rest of the world has a problem with that. There are political movements trying to pin Superman’s cape to the ground, and as I mentioned before he decides to take it out on Batman (which is really, really silly logic. Even for super heroes.) On the flipside, Batman is going through some dark times (when is he not?). Still, he’s Batman. And Batman is doing his Batman shit. He’s collecting clues, he’s zip-lining around Gotham, and feeding people their knees caps. He’s already aware that something hinky is going with Lex Luther. What Lex Luther is up to is the major plot, but the story is told in short random clips smooshed in-between weird fanfare.
Fanfare. That is the real problem with this film. There’s too much fanfare and not enough storytelling.
It’s shitty writing, a director with no chain to hold him in line, and a lack of time management. Too much time wasted on things like close-ups of Batman’s car. Oh, and Wonder Woman was mostly irrelevant the entire movie. I understand the first cameo (to introduce her character). I see no other purpose in the string of wardrobe changes that came between that first encounter with Bruce Wayne and her showing up to help face off against the monster at the end. It was like the director just enjoyed filming that actress. They spent so much time dedicated to propping up the next DC Franchise (Justice League) that vital information didn’t make it into the movie.
All that time dedicated on irrelevant things could’ve been spent explaining the following:
- A) How did Batman know that Superman was the one sending him all the hate mail about his family? How does that even sound like Superman? Does that squeaky clean vanilla swirl really seem like the type to send you a cowardly hate letter? Really? Also, is Batman really the kind of guy who gets all flustered over anonymous bullying?
- B) Where did Lex Luther discover all this hidden alien technology? You know the technology he uses to summon that almost indestructible monster that rages through the last third of the movie like a massively deformed CGI Sméagol? What’s the story with that?
- C) Why does Lois Lane matter…at all? Does she simply exist to be thrown off buildings?
- D) Why did Batman throw a “priceless spear tipped with irreplaceable alien technology” over his shoulder after he almost killed Superman? Why does that sound like something Batman would do? Why would he leave such a precious toy in an abandoned building only to go back for it later?
- E) Why did Lois feel the need to toss the spear in the pool? Was that so she could get trapped under a piece of cement after she realized what a stupid idea that was? Had she not already proven how useless females are supposed to be in the comic book universe?
- F) Is the name Martha like a secret control word? Do warring enemies just utter that word to one another and all is forgiven? They’re instant best friends? It’s that easy? Really?
- G) Also, what the hell was the deal with the vision of the future? At some point, Batman has a vision or a message from in the future. That vision reveals that Superman isn’t to be trusted and that Lois Lane is the key to…I guess, his humanity. That’s it, that’s all we learn about that plot point and it’s never discussed again or resolved. Still have no idea what that was about.
Action Scenes/Set/Costume: The big fight between Superman and Batman was okay. It lacked emotional impact because the build up around the conflict and the conflict itself were really cheap. Like the writer’s couldn’t figure out a real reason Batman and Superman might fight. Everything else was fine. I think Batman’s costume was a bit much, but I never really care about those kinds of things.
Additional Comments: The holy trinity involved in the production of this movie (casting, director, and writers) need to be shot in the leg. Casting needs to be shot in both legs and a foot. That skinny trollop looks nothing like Wonder Woman.
Wonder Woman is supposed to be the most athletic woman in the world. The perfect female specimen. The perfect WARRIOR. Why does she look like she doesn’t have the strength to lift a fork to her mouth? Why are all the men strong and athletic and the woman are waif-like and meek looking? Because Hollywood is run by misogynistic pigs, and actresses like her, who let themselves get forced to the role of Bond girl, feed into that system like stupid sheep. Beautiful stupid sheep.
Also, I’m not a fan of Ben as Batman. I enjoyed him as Daredevil. I will always champion him as Daredevil. Batman? No. Not his thing. He can’t pull off the suit, makes Batman look like he has no neck. I’d mention the actress who played Lois Lane, but she’s part of the problem and mostly forgettable in this film.
Lex Luther is a boob. Alfred drinks on the job (which seems wildly inappropriate for his character.) And the only actor who did a decent job was Superman. (And that really burns me because everyone knows I hate Superman.)
Final Rating: I hope the people who allowed this movie to be made are sent to a special version of hell where they’re forced to watch it for all eternity. That’s real justice.